Spring (almost) Update

I'm certain I'm not alone when I say that we have been loving this winter/spring weather! I can't remember a time when our winter was this mild. I don't even mind the snow, knowing we've had so many warm days, and I am wishfully thinking that they are on their way again. I'm also pretty excited to get out of school in May this year (due to no snow days). The past few weekends we have spent playing outside and running around with neighborhood friends. When we get home every day Crosby says, "Ousside? Ousside?" and then cries if we have to play inside. Bless his heart; he really does love to play. He also loves to RUN. You have to keep an eye out for him, because despite his chubby stature, he's QUICK. He loves to run up and down the sidewalk and wear Gwen's old (purple) helmet. I'm certain he'll keep me on my toes this summer! We have been amazed at how much Crosby is growing verbally the past few months. He says so many words that we can't even keep track. He surprised us yesterday by saying, "App-o." He loves his fruit! He is also a pretty greedy eater. He always wants to try what we're eating. He loves books and will bring book after book to us to read to him. Right now, his favorites are Where the Wild Things Are, Goodnight Moon, and Pat the Bunny. He loves to read at bed time, too. Bath time is always a fun time for him. He climbs in the tub many mornings when I'm getting ready in the bathroom and plays with his bath toys (without water). At night, if I say, "Do you want to go swim?" He'll run to the bathroom and try taking his pants off :) I'm hopeful we might have two future swimmers on our hands!

Corey has also been taking advantage of the weather by doing some home improvement projects. Recently, he has been working on getting us more storage in the garage and he has built these awesome hanging storage... things... out there. When we begin moving things out of the basement to finish it, we'll have so much more space to store the important items. Speaking of cleaning out the basement, we have so. much. stuff. When we got married, I moved all of my things to our current house, but the majority of it went in the basement. I love to clean and purge, so I can't wait for the day that the basement is FINALLY cleared out.

Gwen had her spring conferences at school on Tuesday night, and we are so proud of her. We knew she would do well in school, but even I was surprised by how much she has grown and mastered in such a short time. I am stunned by what kindergarten teachers can accomplish with so many little ones (and some of them are quite needy) at one time. We are so grateful for Gwen's teacher and school. Her report card indicated that she has mastered most of the kindergarten skills and is well on her way to mastering the others. She even had several "E's" which mean she was already exceeding the standard. The goal is that they master the standards by the END of the year, so if they had a "P" which means progressing, that's still a good sign because it means they'll likely master it by the end of the year. Gwen had mostly "M's" and "E's." Both Corey and I were SO PROUD that she had the most "E's" in math! She has always been a little ahead verbally and in reading, and she has always loved books, so we both assumed that is where her strengths would be, but we were so happy to see that her math skills are thriving, too. In terms of reading skills, she is ahead of grade level in her lexile and comprehension, and can read so many different texts now. She works hard at de-coding and sounding out complex words. We're so proud of her. Daddy is especially proud of her math skills. She definitely takes after him! What we are most proud of, however, is that she is kind, respectful, and a good friend. We want our children to succeed in school, but even more so, we want them to be kind and respectful. Gwen has many friends and absolutely loves school. She is proud to do her homework, and even recently signed up for a leadership role at school. They find out this Friday if they got it or not. She signed up to help the janitors (Yuso and Drake--she talks about them all the time) keep the school clean and environmentally safe.

I have very little to update on me. I had a doctor's appointment yesterday and the baby is doing great (had a high heart-rate of 174 because he/she was moving around a lot. I'm in good health and I feel great (maybe a little tired, but that's mostly due to life :). School has gone really well this year. I teach English IV (seniors) and AP Language and Composition (juniors). My students are wonderful, and I really enjoy my job. I am, however, drowning in grading. I currently have some 300 essays that need graded. I love teaching AP, but the amount of writing we do is insane, and for students to grow and learn, I need to give feedback. I am usually more on top of it, but I have fallen behind! I should be caught back up by next week, though.

This spring break Corey and I will pack up the car and both kids, and will drive the 12 hours to visit my grandma in Ohio. We are so excited, and so is she. Because of her age and health, she wasn't able to travel to our wedding a few years ago, and when my grandpa died, I was very pregnant with Crosby... so we couldn't travel there. We haven't seen them in several years. She has actually never met Corey, Gwen, or Crosby. We chat with her on the phone, and she sends them wonderful gifts, but it isn't the same as being together in person. We plan to do the trip in two days so we can do some fun things with the kids along the way (and shop at H&M :) While I dread the long drive (because I pee pretty much every hour), I can't wait to see my grandma.

We are already planning for summer, and because both kids love to swim, we plan to spend a lot of time at the pool! While Gwen is timid and safe in the water, Crosby is an animal. Last summer he would crawl in the water until it came up to his face, and if I didn't grab him, he'd keep going! The kids are excited for swim lessons this summer (Crosby will do the parent-child lessons with me), and we are so proud of how Gwen did last summer. Her goal is to pass two more levels (she started in preschool last year and worked up to Level 2 by the end of the summer). If she gets through the next two levels, we told her we'd buy her a Mono-fin. She has been asking for one for years, but we aren't comfortable with her wearing one until she is a stronger swimmer. She loves swim lessons, and she really wants her fin, so I know she'll reach her goal. This is the first summer that we will have pool passes, too. We'll likely go 2 to 3 times a week, so we will certainly get out money's worth. We love summer because we have time to play with all our friends that we don't see very often. We plan to go to the zoo, Science Center, parks, and any fun new things we find. In addition to swimming and playing outside, I have signed Gwen up again for Princess Dance Camp at our dance studio, and we plan to do cheerleading classes again. We will also travel a lot for Corey's bike races on the weekends, and often find fun, unique things to do on our way. The kids love the racing atmosphere, and they are always so family friendly. We love to support Corey in his races! My plans for the summer are as follows: try and keep up with the kids, work on my tan (just kidding, I freckle), and drink all the smoothies.

Oh, Baby!

When Gwen wrote her annual letter to Santa in December, we had no idea that her final wish (a new baby) would be granted. We had been discussing adding another child to the family, and weren't sure how long it would take, so we decided to start sooner, rather than later. We weren't anticipating how quickly God would answer our prayers :) That first month of trying, baby #3 was conceived. Merry Christmas, Big Sis! This pregnancy has seemed very similar to Crosby's so far. I have very little nausea, but I'm extremely tired. I'm taking my prenatal pills, but will probably have to supplement with iron again. I've gained some weight already (sigh), and while I hoped I wouldn't gain quite as much with this one as I did Crosby, I'm not sure that will work out. I didn't really show until about 5 or 6 months with Crosby, but I'm already starting to notice some changes. Everyone who told me I'd show sooner this time: you were right. We are extremely grateful and excited for this additional blessing. Here are a few fun facts:

1. I found out I was pregnant with baby #3 the same day (but two years later) as I did Crosby: January 5th. Though with Crosby I found out in a bathroom stall at Roosevelt ;) I always plan to tell Corey is some fun, unique way, but get too excited and blurt it out

2. This baby is due a day after Crosby was: September 18th. Crosby was due the 17th (my birthday) but arrived the 10th, and all three kids will share the birthday month of September. Gwen's birthday is the 7th.

3. I found out I was pregnant at around 3.5 weeks (very early), so the pregnancy tests were VERY light. Corey was unconvinced until I took one several days later and it was much darker :)

4. We told the kids by writing a letter from Santa and including a picture from our first ultrasound.

5. The day after we told the kids, Gwen told her teacher that we (Gwen and I) decided to have a baby and said, "Now we can wear maternity clothes."

6. We have two girls names picked out, but only one boy name. Have any great ones? Send them our way :) We will not find out the baby's gender until he/she is born. We love to be surprised!

Other than our big news, there's nothing too exciting going on around here. Gwen and Corey are excited for their Daddy/Daughter dance this weekend at our church, and we are all looking forward to making the 12 hour trek to see my Grandma and Aunt and Uncle in Ohio over spring break. Gwen continues to work hard in school and is excelling in reading and writing! She loves to play with our neighbor friends, do crafts, and go to ballet. Her recital is coming up in June. Crosby is still the happiest little guy we know, and constantly keeps us laughing (and cleaning). He knows most of his body parts, says too many words to count, loves books and adores his big sister. He is a good listener and is quickly learning from consequences that he needs to obey :) He loves to give kisses and hugs and wear (steal) any hats he sees. Corey is still riding his bike a lot, and spends most nights playing with the kids and cooking us healthy dinners. He often goes and rides in the basement after we're all in bed (what a guy!) so we can still have our family time. I'm busy with school (as always) and the kids. I've been able to spend a lot more time with friends in the past few months, and I'm looking forward to more of those opportunities! Being a young(ish), working parent of two (soon to be three) small children is exhausting, so finding the time to get out and have time to myself is hard. It's a difficult stage of life, and I'm so grateful to have so many friends in similar positions. I am also grateful for their variety of experiences: many of my friends are stay-at-home moms, some work additional jobs on the side, some will home school, some will send their kids to public or private schools, some work full time, some have one child, some have 3 or 4 children, and ALL of them are supportive, loving, and sweet friends. I know very few people with such a diverse and close-knit group of friends. I am so grateful!

All Politics Aside

The past few agonizing months of eroding election season and poisonous politics has left me (and I'm sure countless others) exhausted, defeated, and frankly... annoyed. I am grateful for the privilege to have a voice in our democracy, but I'm overwhelmed with the hatred and accusations and overall judgement that has followed an extremely controversial political season. For a solid year I teetered back and forth between the two major candidates; neither encompassed my ideals or represented who I am, and both left a bad taste in my mouth. I struggled to pledge my vote right up until election day, and in the end, I voted for a third party candidate (because I know you were on pins and needles trying to guess which way I went ;). Actually, who I am politically is quickly graying. I'm not liberal, that's for sure, but I'm not the tea-party conservative I used to be either. In some ways, I envy people who can be so black-and-white (about everything). They seem confident that how they view the world and the opinions they have formed are right, no matter who disagrees and no matter who they hurt. In most areas of my life, I have always lived in the gray. It's not that I don't know what I believe, or that I'm easily swayed; I think it's more that I believe that people don't see the world as it is; we see it as we are. I can't understand the experiences or circumstances outside my own sphere of life. How could I? All of my experiences, circumstances, upbringing, and biology is specific only to me (and maybe my brother). It's not that I think truth is relative either. It's just that I acknowledge that maybe I'm wrong, and maybe I don't have all the answers.

Facebook and social media are absolute bedlam with people posting, trolling, and instigating arguments over anything, really. I'm not saying people shouldn't fight for what they believe. I'm not saying we should ignore injustice and inequality. I'm not even saying we should all try to agree. I just wonder if it will be possible to get back to the point where we see one another as humans again. As people who may disagree and see the world differently, but as people who genuinely think that those around them are doing what they think is right. I know some incredible loving, kind, just, passionate liberals, and I know incredibly kind, just, loving and passionate conservatives. I know devoted and sacrificial pro-choice men and women, and I know honorable and doting pro-life men and women. I respect and admire people who think our borders should be forever open to anyone, and I respect and admire those who think we need to tighten things up to make our own nation the best it can be. I'm not ignorant to the arguments on either side of either camp on any issue. Maybe it's because I live in that gray, but I have a hard time handling the negativity and bitterness. It's exhausting. It's demoralizing. And it's unnerving. As far as I'm concerned, no one wins when our nation remains divided by hate. And both sides are guilty. Both sides should be ashamed.

Mom Guilt

I’m convinced I’d have all-consuming and enveloping mom guilt even if I weren’t a mom. There are so many reasons to feel like I’m never quite doing enough for our kids, and coupled with my less-than-charming and exhausting habit of worrying (just ask my husband), I’m in a constant fugue state of burning out and melting down. I’ve known I wanted to be a mom since I was little. In kindergarten, I was voted “Kindergarten Mom.” I babysat all the time. I taught swim lessons. I became a teacher. I read books about parenting; I pray about the way I parent. I ask older women I love and admire about how they parent their children. I run things by my mom. Corey and I constantly discuss why we do the things we do, and evaluate our values and parenting decisions all the time, but I still feel like I’m on the brink of ruining them. Am I showing them enough physical affection while still allowing myself a few moments of sanity each night? Am I building them up enough to build their confidence, or am I building them up too much, giving them an elevated view of their abilities? Do I compliment them enough on their intelligence, effort, kindness, and generosity, or do I mostly tell them they’re cute? Will they become part of the mindless, selfish, close-minded, lazy, poorly-educated (and I don’t mean academically), dregs of society regardless of anything we do? Will they think for themselves, but still think about others? Will they be respectful to their authority without following them blindly? And how do you get them to that point? There are a thousand theories about parenting, and I know I’ve read them all. I take some from here, and some from there; I take what fits our family and our values, and what we deem important. But like the dull ache of a migraine first forming, the worry is still there. What if it’s not enough? What if you irrevocably wound your children? What if in an effort to make them polite, kind, loving, responsible, respectful and God-fearing, you actually turn them into entitled, mean, rude, self-righteous, irresponsible, disrespectful heathens? What if what works for one child doesn’t work for another? What if you’re working full time? What if you’re staying home? What if you DON’T spank your children? What if you do?

See what I mean? And I haven’t even gotten to the hardest of all guilt; it’s called step-mom guilt. Step-mom guilt is characterized by a few common symptoms: one, marrying an incredible kind, handsome and loving man who happens to be divorced with a child; two, over-whelming guilt about your step-child growing up in two homes even though you had nothing to do with that decision; three, constantly evaluating every choice you make regarding said child; four, facing a whole lot of criticism for literally everything you do, or don’t do. That being said, I hit the step-mom jackpot. Gwen was two when I met her, so she truly doesn’t remember life without me in it. She asks me about the day she was born and how she was as a baby, and I have to remind her that I wasn’t there. She doesn’t get all angsty and say, “You’re not my mom!” (at least not yet). She is so easy to love—she’s loving, kind, silly, helpful and thoughtful. I almost cried the first day I met her because she was so. stinking. chubby. and sweet. She had cereal bar all over her face and whispered, “Hi. Hi. Hi.” over and over. She loved me immediately and our bond was quickly formed; she follows me everywhere and wants to dress like me, talk like me; she even wants to have freckles like me. She is a step-mom’s dream, but the title of step-mom is covered in cynicism and bitterness and evilness (thanks, Disney). While Gwen and I have an amazing mother-daughter relationship, the weight of the task is sometimes more than I can bear. But I do. I bear it, because what choice do I have? I bear it because it’s a joy to love her, and teach her, and discipline her. I bear it because I want to. But step-parenting is a role with no real definition and no one way of doing it. I’m an English teacher, so you’d think I’d love open-endedness, analyzing and interpreting (and boy, do I… let me analyze that character, or that imagery, or your facial expression and tone of voice), but when it comes to parenting and loving, Lord, give me a formula. Please, tell me the right way to do it. Think about the fact that nearly 50% of all marriages end in divorce. Then think about this: second marriages have an even higher failure rate than first marriages, and most researchers attribute this to the strain and stress of sharing custody, step-parenting, and difficult-to-handle exes. I must brag that Corey is a wonderful partner to parent with. Most of the time, he is far more easy-going than I am, and can talk me down when I feel exasperated or when I’m killing myself for no reason. He calms me down and reminds me that worrying does nothing. We lucked out on this realm of step-parenting/re-marriaging-hood. That’s a thing, right? But the reality is that second marriages have a whole slew of stresses that first marriages don’t. We have to work even harder than most folks because there are infinitely more nuances to maneuver: implementing routines and expectations (but only half the time), figuring out holiday schedules, signing them up for extra-curriculars, coordinating doctor’s appointments, volunteering at school, figuring out primary residency for school, keeping traditions and family time sacred, etc. While many of those seem more like frustrations than guilt-inducing episodes, for me, they’re laced with fears of not doing enough. Is it fair for us to ask Gwen to adapt to two different environments and parenting styles? Even if it wasn’t, is there really a choice? How do we remain consistent on our expectations while still offering grace? Do we never do fun things with our other children when Gwen isn’t with us? Will she feel left out? Will she feel less part of the family? Will our other children become resentful towards us for having to wait until their sister comes? Will Gwen feel like an outsider among her friends, who right now, all live in one home? The reality is, most of these things I have no control over, yet it doesn’t stop me from worrying. And from feeling guilty.

Does it ever end?

On a positive side-note, I figured out how to do paragraphs, finally :)